Toons These Days S2 Scripts

Take a look in the descriptions to see the videos paired with these episodes!

Here are the scripts I wrote for Season II of Toons These Days, by , with Doggy voiced by .  This was a fun experience and a natural fit for me, as I identify a lot with Doggy.  His opinion on modern cartoons reflect my own a lot of the time, and yet he's funny to me because he's obviously an exaggeration of those butthurt animation fans who can't take off the nostalgia goggles and can't accept cartoons for how they are now, a habit I constantly try to drop.  I even auditioned for a replacement for Doggy's voice! The role ulimately went to Jon, but it turns out he did the role tons better than I could- as the season was out, he managed to match exactly how I envisioned the nuances perfectly, and could even improvise better than I ever could. I did wind up getting to voice Mickey Mouse in his off-screen cameo, as well as the ToonBoom bleep. Take a look particularly at the ones for Mickey Mouse, Toonami, One Piece, and Naruto, as I am most proud of those.

You will notice changes were made from the script to the final cut. These are because:
- Alex was strict about keeping these reviews 30 seconds long, which is around 250 words, so a ton had to be cut for time.  Videos where only one character reviews something, instead of two characters, could run for twice that length.
- Jon improvised away from the script in some places.
- My suggestions for still drawings were only optional, and Alex would either not include some of them, or add his own.
- Alex would know Doggy better than I do, having created him and animated him in the first season.



Episode 20: Phineas and Ferb review: Released: October 5th, 2013

Clements n' Musker, toons these d-daauuh it's too hot for a catchphrase.

This show IS hand-drawn, but yeah, from the designs any child could draw, which I did mention before, you'd think otherwise!  

Just take stiff, uninspired animation, catchphrases that are run into the ground, a new musical number each episode that is ripping off something more popular, and you get Phineas and Ferb, a show about two step brothers who do outlandish summer activities… that they should be too young to do.    

There's also this side story about YET ANOTHER run-of-the-mill incompetent evil villain whose plans to take over the Tri-State Area get thwarted by the boys' pet…… AAAAAAH who keeps a platypus as a pet?!  … he's a platypus! They don't do much!

Possible drawings:
- Maybe reuse the Phineas and Ferb drawing of the shapes you put in an earlier episode.
- Phineas, Ferb, a giant rocket ship.
- The song "Summer Belongs To You" ripping off "You Can't Stop The Beat" from Hairspray!  …Yeah! REALLY listen to both back to back!
- Perry as a pet rock, with Doof making a weird face at it, in reference to how they "don't do much".


Episode 22: Slugterra review: Released: October 19th, 2013

*imitates Jimmy Durante*
HA-cha-cha-chaaaa!  Toons these days, I tell ya.

We all know little kids love slimy, disgusting, cute monsters.  Thing is, we all hope they grow out of it.  But watch out! Here comes Slugterra, an action show trying to cash in on the Mon craze, that has blasters that spew oh-so-marketable rascals, and… *sigh* OF COOOURSE…..

*takes out mp3 player*

"TOTALLY COOL D--"

*punches the mp3 player violently, then throws it off-screen, hitting a wall*

I ain't kiddin', this show is as formulaic as you can get!  The characters are cookie-cutter stereotypes, the voice-actings' hammy, an' I ain't so keen on the CGI look!  

Just keep those slugs off my lawn!


Possible drawings:

- Burpy with the brightest, most saturated orange you can get, with overly-wide puppy-dog eyes and cheeky, obnoxious smile.

- The heads of the main cast, with labels about each one: "I'm Cool!", "The Chick", "Gentle Giant", "No Respect!"



Episode 24: Bob's Burgers review: Released November 2, 2013

Schameel schamazzle, toons these days, already!

The FOX Network continues its string of bland, "ANIMATED" family sitcoms with Bob's Burgers, a show about a hapless father who runs a mom n' pop burgah joint.  So… if you seen anything from The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, and King of the Hill, just place junk food into the equation and you SEEEEN… Bob's Burgers.  

They're not even trying anymore- two of the women are voiced by men, and Fozzie Bear cracks better jokes than this!

You're in a restaurant! Throw paddies in the face already, or or or or … somethin'!

Now I'm getting hungry so I'm gonna go prepare a "Bob Burger", if ya will.

Possible drawings:
- One character from each of the 4 other FOX shows mentioned, and then have them turned into fast food when Doggy says "put junk food into the equation".
- Fozzie Bear in the balcony, hissing to one of the characters.


Episode 25: One Piece review: Released November 9, 2013

Sweet Miyazaki-san, toons these days, I tell ya.   …and those Japanese!

Imagine my reaction when I heard this show reached 600 episodes and is still counting!!  …..Wait.   Don't.  

This show is an adventure/fighting anime about pirates! Okay some kid named after a primate eats a fruit that grants him the abilities of Plastic Man, and he wants to be King of the Pirates, cause … it's GOOD ta be da king! So he assembles his crew comprised of a samurai guy who uses 3 swords at once, a stick figure with boobs, a sniper with a long nose, a blue-nosed weasel with poor fashion sense, and a chef with a curly eyebrow.  Together they fight bad guys while looking for an unidentified treasure!

Make sense yet?  PFAAAAAAHHAAHA!  "Making sense" in an anime!  Ooouuuh…

Bottom line, I admit it isn't HORRIBLE.  I kind of like how the characters all look more Western than anything else, but do they REALLY need to hold that one wild take for minutes on end, even while talking?!?!  Nah nah. HERE'S the proper way to do it!

*does a wild take* AAAAAAAAAAH!!

Nice n' fast!  Unlike the story!


Possible drawings:
- Cutaway to Doggy's reaction from hearing it's over 600 episodes now: something traumatic, like cradling in the shower
- Luffy, Luffy with a crown, Zoro, Nami as a stick figure with boobs (like from Dick Figures), Usopp looking like Pinnochio, Chopper, and Sanji
- The One Piece presented as a huge question-mark-shaped island, on a pirate map
- That one wild take you always fuckin see in the entire show, and then the characters somehow TALKING while in that wild take!


Episode 26: Teen Titans Go! review: Released November 16, 2013

Holy Ken Harris, Batman!  Toons these days, I tell ya!

Here's some background, kiddies.  So in the 60's there was this obscure DC superhero troop called the Teen Titans, who consisted of Robin from Batman, which made it a COPY of the original Batman.  THEN it got copied into a comic reboot.  THEEN it was made into an anime-style cartoon in the early 2000's that copied THAT!!! THEEEEN, what are we left with??  A COPY OF A COPY OF A---d- b-- COPY! COPYCOPYCOPYCOPYCOPYCOPY!  

WHY IS EVERYTHING COPYING THE COPIES NOW!?!?!  THE FANS DON'T WANT FLANDERIZED, SPONGEBOB-SILLY CARICATURES OF THE HEROES THEY KNEW FROM BACK WHEN!!

Take a lesson from ol' Doggy.  Read the old comics, or rewatch the old cartoon! EDUMICATE THE COMIC GEEK DEEP INSIDE YOU!

Possible drawings:
- a chart showing what copied what
- a brain-damaged Beast Boy and Cyborg



Episode 27: Fairly-Odd Parents review: Released November 23, 2013

Great Goldberg, toons these days, I tell ya.

This show got me contemplating to the point where I got quiet as a mouse for a few days.  I…. I can't bring myself to yell at Fairly-Odd Parents!  A boy with two wish-granting fairies and the shenanigans he tries to get out of from his wishes …. could it really be promising??  

Okay, yeah, it's NOISEY, it's probably Nick's most in-your-face gag show to date!  The characters are as flatly-designed as the Total Drama contestants, the humor's shallower than Death Valley, and the network milked it for years!

But…… I still can't help thinking…. if they tone down the loud voices and pacing, … maybe this WOULD be a show I'd love.  It DOES share the same creator as TUFF Puppy…

Yeesh, Doggy's gettin' soft.  I'm off to go force-watch the live-action movie again to preserve my insanity.


Possible drawings:

- The cast standing, and then falling forward to reveal they're all cardboard stands, like the gag in the Total Drama review.

-  A book that resembles the "Da Rules" book, only it says "Mediocrity Gold", during Doggy's line, "the humor's shallower than Death Valley."

- For the end, Doggy strapped to a chair with his eyes cloth-pinned open and watching a TV, terrified and tortured.



Episode 28: Fish Hooks review: Released November 30, 2013

(Doggy is deaf through this whole review so he has to shout a bit louder and enunciate to the audience to make sure he knows that we can understand him.)

TOONS THESE DAAAYS!

I AM DEAF!

THIS GUA-NO PUD-DING OF A SHOW BLEW OUT EAR DRUMS!

MUST TALK LIKE A DRUNK PEG-LEG PETE!

A!  QUICK!  SUM-MA-RY!

FRAT BOY FISH IN HIGH SCHOOL!

DIS-NEY TEEN-IE BOP-PER FEET-KISS-ING!

HI-JINKS!

MUST NOW GO TO CAR-TOON DOC-TOR!

CON-ROY FILL IN THE REST FOR YOU!

(walks off-screen)

(beep beep, then a screech, from a car off-screen)

QUIET DAY TO-DAY.


Possible drawings:

- Derpy-eyed Milo shouting.

- Rest of the derpy-eyed cast, just shouting into the air, wearing neon-colored teen designer clothes.

- Some famous cartoon doctor, maybe Tony Tony Chopper, Ludwig Von Drake, etc., treating Doggy



Episode 30: Mickey Mouse review: Released January 4, 2014

NOTE: Whenever Doggy says "Flash", a poorly-dubbed, unenthusiastic voice is edited over it saying "ToonBoom", as if done as an after-thought

(Doggy faces the camera with a discerning look and then points his left index finger up, as if to say "one moment".)

(He takes out a 90's dial phone, and then speaks into it.)

(Speaker on the other end) "Hallo!?"

Jimmy MacDonald, tons these days, I tell ya.

What are you DOIN'??  You appear in nothing but promo material for the past decades and now Disney FINALLY gives you a chance to star in cartoons again, and what do you get???  A Cartoon Network rip-off that goes by at twice the speed it should, with cruddy Fl-"TOONBOOM"-- animation, and vulgar humor!!!  A prolonged naked joke???  What's funny about dat?  Pouring surburt into your groin area and just enjoin' the pleasure from it??  Think about da kids!  I mean I suppose it DOES remind me of the Golden Age, and for it's Fl-"TOONBOOM"-- movements, it ain't so bad!!  But it ain't what I expect from DISNEY!!  What do you have to say???

(Speaker on the other end) "… haha, well, that's showbiz!"

(Doggy hands up)

Ehhh, he leaves small tips anyway.

Possible drawings:
- Cut-out, crudely-drawn Mickey, Donald and Goofy.
- Jimmy MacDonald was the voice of Mickey Mouse as a replacement for Walt Disney.



Episode 34: Naruto review: Released Febuary 1, 2014

Oyoyoy, toons these days, I tell ya.

In an ancient Japanese world that has modern technology for some reason, a fox spirit kills dudes, so the village leader plops it into the body of a human baby named Naruto.  Later, Naruto teams up with two sock-name-themed people named Socksay and Sockyra and they beat up bad guys to achieve their dreams of becoming great ninja.

As for the second half of this show, I think I found out the formula! It explains these jutsu powers that have NOTHING to do with the skills of an actual ninja, so we have STUPID.  Naruto makes reckless decisions, so we have… IDIOT.  Then we get a bazillion filler episodes, and all together we get…… "STUPID--… IDIOT-- …. NINJA FILLER!"  

I wasn't invested in the plot, and the world building!  It's total bupkes!  You youngin's should be learn'n your Kiss-And-Make-Up No Jutsu!


Possible drawings:

- Sasuke and Sakura as sock puppets

- Then the sock puppets are shown as socked fists, punching bad guys.

- The 'Stupid Idiot Ninja Filler' logo words appear on-screen when Doggy says them.  




Episode 37: Venture Bros review: Released Febuary 22, 2014

Oi, toons these days, I tell ya.  

You remember the 60's Hanna-Barbara cartoons that moved like stiff puppets but were too mesmerizing NOT ta stop watching!?

Well, they made a few good action shows too like that Quest boy with the racially insensitive token indian.. and today, The Venture Brothers for Adult Swim tries to capture that style!

…..but BOOOOOOOY do they go way overboard!

Don't be fooled, lil tykes. This shows what happens when reality hits these characters way too hard!  What's with every character bein' a failure?! Look, cartoons in my day WERE aimed at adults, and there WERE guns n' violence n' stuff and I am all for today's cartoons returning' to that age demographic, ….. but here, they're no longer played for laughs!

Seems to me that today's youth loves watching sardonic, depressed scientists, goofy sorcerers, a gender-confused arch nemesis with a butterfly theme who can't even beat other villains, two of his nerd henchmen, aaaaand TALKING! LOTS N' LOTS A TALKIN!

*lists these in one rapid-fire breath* Ya got bad parenting, drugs, sex, mental breakdowns, tragic back-stories, gory science experiments, failed marriages oh my Charleston-dancin' St. Peter!

The only guy who I have any remote interest in is the doctor's bodyguard, th-th-this macho cartoon!Chuck Norris, who can destroy a passing car within a minute and THEN get back into the car he previously was in, WHILE it's moving!  Okay…. THAT is pretty awesome.  I suppose I ALSO KIIIIINDA like how it lampshades the old Hanna-Barbara shows like th-th-th-they got one moment where they come across an insane adult Johnny Quest, for example.

Those aren't enough to make me like it, but apparently I'm in the minority once again, because new seasons keep poppin' up!! I--the show just... took off, stopped trying to pay tribute to its inspiration, and became a whole monster of its own!! Cartoon characters actually CHANGE in this world!!

Cartoon!Chuck Norris has a falling out with the doctor and is replaced with a recovering pedophile sergeant, the two brothers move out of their father's home and live through their own separate problems, Butterfly Guy is now married, and one of the two comic relief henchmen is supposedly dead!

*exasperated breath*  Verdict?  This show is WAY too intense for THIS old timer. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll stick with the ol' immortal talkin' animals whose biggest problem is how to get the duck's beak into a new awkward position, thank ya very much!!

Possible drawings:
- The heads of Dr. Rusty Venture, Dr. Orpheus, The Monarch, #21 and #24, and then all of them looking like they're talking non-stop like South Park's Canadians.
- Brock Samson in Chuck Norris garb.
- Bugs n Daffy. with Daffy's beak blasted off somewhere on his head.



Episode 40: Toonami review: Released March 15, 2014

Yyyyyyyyabba-dabba-toons these days, I tell ya.  

Now, we never reviewed a whole block before, but THIS one cannot be avoided.  Toonami is the name of Cartoon Network's action block that started out by showing Japanian aminations that don't make sense, Western action-oriented toons, and even vintage stuff like Astro Boy, n' Voltron.

What's so special about it!?  Well, the TV bumps went above and beyond what TV bumps should be!  There were likable characters who didn't treat children like dunces, sleek animation,  and inspiring speeches.  They went through many hosts!  Let's see uhhhh….. First it started with Moltar from Space Ghosts, then they traded him in for a robot named TOM, who piloted a space ship called the Absolution.  Then came TOM 2.0,  then TOM 3.0, then TOM four-poi-HOLY**** GET IT AWA-- TOM 3.5 and now a TOM 5.0!

It seems… like it's more adult, now that it’s revived in a nighttime slot. TOM can swear now...which... I am actually for! He's actually a cool guy. .... you know... for a CGI robot

… if I had ONE problem with TOM, it's that his voice is really gravily and deadpan!  Heck, MY voice is gravily!  I can do a better job!

*cuts to TOM 4.0 standing next to a screen on the ship, with Doggy's voice ovah*
Welcome ta more STU-PID IDIOT NIN-JA FILLER, everyone!! NOW SIT YOUR BUTTS DOWN AN' WATCH!!
*cuts back to Doggy*
An alarming amount of praise seems to be given to this whole thing, and I DO admire its perseverance. Sooooo I guess I'll be generous this time and say… Happy 2nd Anniversary, Toonami 2.0!  May all you man-children spend your valuable Saturday nights watchin' graveyard slots on a dying broadcast platform for years to come.

*downs the glass, then tosses it off-screen in a shatter*

Bang.



Possible drawings:
- Maybe each of the TOM versions on a timeline that pop up when Doggy mentions each.  Doggy acts terrified once TOM 4.0's face appears for a split second.
- Evil execs rendered rendered in children's drawings with a Snidely Whiplash mustache.
- The CN Real logo looking like an annoying house guest, or otherwise, a nerd.